Wanderlust

i was perfectly at ease till the call
lazing around like a bugger.
its hard to put it into words
what happened
and right now i am in no mood to do so.
poetry sucks and as i realized so do i.
the only option was to immerse myself in self pity 
and swallow the half cooked chicken 
and stomp out in the hope of getting some fresh air
the room had become a cage
and there IS no way out.
too many predictable endings to the next 30 years
what the hell am i studying for
a degree?
for which i haven't done anything so far
parents?
whom i cheat saying that i am here studying.
(oh of all people, i know what i escaped from home for!
oh god knows the reasons alright!!)
a job?
to do what? earn money? marry? have a kid or two?
will that really quench this thirst?
this wanderlust?


i was perfectly at ease till the call.
i was perfectly at ease.
what am i doing with my life i wonder.
and its a statement, not a fancy question i'm posing to myself.
i know there is no way out of this vicious circle of death and decay
there is no way out of the life you are expected to live
you simply cannot and i repeat 
cannot throw your camera and credit card into your knapsack
fling it over your shoulder 
and travel to madagascar.
i do not even have a freaking credit card in the first place
why is it so difficult for me to accept my fate?
why do i feel so ungrateful and long to go out into the unknown?
blue mediterranean seas, 
or the blue domes of istanbul
white columns at dover, 
or white snow over laussane
black temples at java, 
or black sculptures at macchu picchu
these come only behind heavy eyelids in dreamy afternoons 
or in evenings on skype
if you are feeling frustrated, don't.
because i live in frustration.
breathe frustration. and hopelessness.


i was perfectly at ease till the call.
nicotine doesn't help.
it enhances your situation to depths you do not want to explore.
you want to fool the world and escape into your surreal niche
i'm tired of it all
even  today's moon was playing a cruel joke on me
it was a clear night and there was an equally clear halo around her.
wisps of clouds were passing past her
in an unlikely speed
leaving her stagnant at her place
her halo remained and so did she
only the clouds went flitting by
and within few seconds i saw the clear pitch dark sky
with her moon shining in her own halo.
exactly at the same place where she had been.
nothing had moved her.


i was perfectly at ease till the call came in.