Fooled again

you girl,

come back while there is still time
its fallacy to go ahead
he doesnt care
he never will
he just loves you to warm your bed

come back to where my thoughts were warm
come back to my pen and ink
he doesnt care
he never will
you are teetering on the brink

come back to my empty heart
i have never asked anything of you
i have never wanted,
never expected
my love for you is true...

oh what is love
i do not know
dont ask me to define
dont ask me if i can prove myself
to you this worth of mine
dont ask me how i survive
how i pass each moment each day

those days seem so distant now
you've changed a lot by the rule
a simple smile, a cheerful voice
i wonder if i'd been a fool

i write no longer
no songs or such
its gone, that thing in me
while you were there
there was a desire to live
to further see

but what will i see,
with whom to share
if what i loved has died
what does it matter
if i don't show
how dead i am inside

~

b 

~

a song to hum


a thought to think


words astray


tears on the brink


a simple sigh


or a sweet hello


vacuum for long


dry rusty mellow...


too cold


long hours


and minutes


and seconds...


"two worlds"


not two latitudes


that never meet 


but run on alone...


caved in from myself


me , me , and only me...


that is all i can see.


~


i

Jumma

standing high above the ground
somewhere almost amidst the clouds
i peer down
breathless

partly the view
partly panting from the climb, and
partly waiting in sheer anticipation of you

you had said it would be a miracle...
i had dreamt otherwise
scared you see,
till i would see your figure rise

out from the shadows of the staircase below
it was like 'an affair to remember'
and a tad like 'sleepless in seattle'
i wish i was speaking to you, you know...

telling you what was running through this head of mine
around me, in this narrow marble turret, all seemed fine...
surrounding me was a filigreed wall,
and you could just gaze out at shahjahanabad
red sandstone glimmering amidst it all

and a whole horde of countless heads whizzing past
in the streets below
while in the lofty tower, wind blew my hair untidily in a familiar gust

i looked at my watch
it was past 12 long back
you werent coming i guess
i had been straining to see if i could see you cross the courtyard
and make your way up here
but the sun was making those thoughts digress

i really couldn't see you from up here today
moments passed giving rise to fleeting flashes
and i was sitting like Rapunzel without a prince i say!

too numb i got up to leave
the moment i turned to enter the exit
i saw instead
the curled mass of a head

resting his back against the wind
as if he had been lazily sitting behind me
... for eternity
and you said
'aye bosh, onekhkhon to darali...' 

,

b

Chiriyakhana

onek din por, aj hutt kore shokal ta kirom golapi hoye gelo... koto ki je hoy jaha taha. jibon ta kirom Mar Adentro's moton collage er rup niye slow motion e flash back kore uthlo khannikhon er jonno. chinta bondho korbo bollei to r kora jaena. etar stop, pause, back korar button nei. thakle money hoy mojao hoto na. ekgheye hoye jeto. cliched. koekta bhishon kacher aakrey dhorey thakar moton kacher muhurto kar na bhalo lagey money antey... class er faakey return sms pora, lukiye lukiye balisher tolae torch mere romanchokor spy thriller er shesh pata gela, sritir sathey joriye thaka sequential moments er koekta purono hindi gaan, (koekta kobita porle jemon thik kono kono character mathaye chole ashey), nijhum raatey adda dewa... 
oshombhob personal kichu muhurto.
koto ki je hoy jaha taha...
expression to shudhu representation of one's thoughts.
bhabji jodi boi likhtam tahole naam ki ditam - rojnamcha?
na chiriyakhana... (heehee...hothat kore dumbcharade er ekta rhyme korar golpo mone chole elo!)


reverting back to the topic arekta kotha aj mathaye elo hothat kore. do we fall in love with the person, or do we fall in the idea of love itself... kobira akashe batashey bichoron kortey kortey bole geche je 'bhalobasho bhalobasho'. lyang marle ki korbe sheta kintu kono manual e lekha nei. ota theke shekho ar ki!!! aj ruposhi bangla porchilam.ek bondhu desh charchey. bhabjilam jibonanando diley kemon hoy...


kotha theke kothae chole gelam.
second time this evening. khei rahiye gelo.
idanging hocchey. agey erom hoto na.
naam dhorey keu dakey na to, tai ar ki.
aar janina keno aj hothat abar ekta bhishon shundor line barey barey money pore jacchey : "...afterward i went passed what you had passed , before we met and you, what i had passed..." (robert frost)


, 


sweet thoughts of you in vain
beneath clouds murmuring in the breeze
wrong turns in the road
yet silvery misty showed
up ahead by the sea...


you called out my name
i saw through your game
pirate ships and grilled balcony
it was, what it wasn't to be...


do you pine for me dear one
do you know i pine for you
is this deep emotion too much to handle
too much to hide or show...


if you need a hand to hold you 
and cross the bridge again,
call out my name, dear one
i'll reach out
inspite of all...
in vain.


,
b

t i t l i

it is wierd.

sometimes a single line can disrupt your entire thought process or your fine balance.

titli was in love for a long time. it seemed like she knew her husband for ages. as she watched her son pore over his statistics book, and nod his head once to a sudden silent exhilaration of a sudden solution to a sum, she turned her head towards her window. outside a plane went whirring overhead with a loud noise. she tried to remember the events of the last evening. 

it was their fifth anniversary. titli's husband had come home with red orchids. she was terribly fond of red, and was delighted that he still remembered it. the evening had passed slowly and silently. titli's son had gone off to sleep and they had made quiet passionate love on the balcony of their high rise apartment with the lights of the nearby road glittering in the deep distant. later when she got up to shuffle across the floor to the bathroom, she saw the computer had not been switched off. her husband was nowhere to be seen and the screen was open at a letter...

the words went washy infront of her blurry eyes.

benaras... BHU campus... ganga ghat... doodh and rabri shop... lights... firewood in the distance... misty early mornings... happy memories with you...

a window was open.

it said, i miss you.

"what are you doing!!!why are you still awake!!!"

titli jumped up in fright...and she backed away...

scared to even look at him.

the cat meowed from her kitchen.

it wanted some milk. she was moved out of her reverie.

life... it was a joke to her just like her marriage was.

a joke. a pointless funny joke. she sighed and got up to feed her cat.

,

b

r a n d o m

you know what i am most afraid of the most? i'm not really afraid, i know it as a fact and i don't want to accept it.

5 years...no maybe 10. 10 years later, my life will cease to exist the way i live it now. the way i get up late and study and paint and go to sleep again. the way i roam around places with not a care in the world. the way i enjoy holidays with my family at home. the way i enjoy doing nothing at times. the way i sit at my laptop video-speaking to a half a dozen people whom i madly care about. the way i lie in lazy afternoons reading books on snake princes or even about the italian renaissance combined... everything will change. everything has its end. being as immature as i am now, i can very well say my world will come tumbling down. people will have their own lives, parents will die, siblings will wander off, cousins will grow old, best male friends will get married, and best female friends will possibly have maniacal husbands.

precisely three days ago, in a moment of acute sadness of bidding adieu to a friend leaving for a far off country, i voiced this fear to a dear old pal and he told me, "its the moment we need to focus on, to live. the fear of everything ending tomorrow should never prevent you from living what you want to do, right now... maybe things will change that drastically, maybe they will not, but it doesn't mean that because of that fear of losing everything tomorrow you will give up living your today!"

and twenty years down the line when there might be no family left, these friends will stay. irrespective of the distance. i mean, those who are meant to stay on will stay irrespective of everything and not just the distance. 

it is true.

but hard.

well, 

Life's Like That.

P E O P L E

koustuv

koek muhurter jonno prochondo hingshey hoyechilo jedin koustuv nachtey nachtey skype e bollo je o Paris jacchey Joan Baez er concert dekhtey. prochondo. engriji tey dramatic hotey gele boltam "i was seething in anger that i was not going to be part of it" :) but sheta jiboner erom turning point hoye darabe ami shopneo bhabtey parini. 

tilak

firey ashar por bohudin por ritwik er chobi dekhlam. ekti chobi jeno bhishon bhabey haunt korlo. tatey jhok er boshe likheo fellam "eta ki ritwik da?" aar koustuv bollo - "hya etai ritwik da". tar por eki chobir tolae arekti manush er shongey alap holo. alap ta odbhut. i mean facebook er doulotey ki na hoy prithibitey ajkal. shei shokal theke gota bela goriye gelo, tar sathey kotha jeno r shesh hoyna. koto kotha, koto adda, bisheshoney shobisheshey shhe chilo Tilak Mukherjee.

prottekta wavelength e jeno miley gelo. odbhut bhabey bikel ta phonei kete gelo shedin. tarpor shuru holo koustuv, tilak da ar amar adda. je chilo araley, maney jar chobir tolae oto golpo badha holo, sheo elo addae...

roj er bhaat ar mach er jhol khawar moton boshto ei adda.

din er por din.

i mean raat er por raat...

koustuv

ek shomoy ei faded golapi ghor tae ami prothom antakshari khelechilam koustuv er sathey. or sathey amar cross connection hoye jae. chandannagar ei bari, othocho school e thaka kalin konodin chintam na. college e uthey almost charar ager muhurtey bondhutto. tarpor masters e dujonei dilli ashar shujog pelam. chele elo isi tey, ami roye gelam kolkata bishwabidyalaye. mphil e dilli elam, uni chole gelen dilli chere hyderabad... tarpor saat shomuddur tero nodir parey - shudur barcelona. othocho edik odik theke amader golper kono shesh nei. we could pick up the threads exactly  from where we left off.

tilak

oshombhob talented chele. ami judgement ditey boshini, sref mon er kotha ta bolchi. the passion and love with which he plays music...and enjoys it thoroughly... hats off to this boy. folk, jazz, rock...shomosto. hastey parey, hasatey parey, oshombhob dhoirjo niye shonar khomota achey, aar ekta mosto boro dil er sathey achey, nijeke underestimate korar oshim khomota. ami eta ekkebarey ignore kori :) tilak mukherjee. amra tomae bhishon bhishon bhakobashi.

dutto

college e thaka kalin ekti dino kotha hoyni. maney chintam na emon ta na. but oi kotha hoyni. prothom bar oovoo tey kotha and dutto boley uthlo - "ma, dilli eshe ebar amar baritey tor payer dhulo diye jash". ghor e dhukei dekhechilam ekta lal poster : "jimmy jimmy jimmy jimmy - aja aja aja aja".fell in love with the place immediately. tor notun bari tar cheye ota aro aro aro bhalo chilo. hoyto toder shokkol ke peyechilam boley oi ghor tae tai. bhor e uthey jumma jawar din, auto k dutto'r chotto "deal" dewa theke lahiri ar amar "before marriage, after marriage" chobi tola, theke kasauli church e "shoshurbaritey chobi jabe - oyndrila ful dhorey pose maar" theke chail er rastae bus er pechon e "rokke rokke" boley chota... kinba jigesh kora truth and dare e "career na rb?"... 

chail palace er ticket memento kore rakhar jonney shokoley tit-bit likhe dilo - dutto shundor kore "Dutto dutto dutto" boley shoi mere ferot dilo :)

dutto dutto dutto

ishita

or naam ta paltey fele "miss managerial expert" diye diyechi. okey chara chail kasauli impossible chilo. jabona jabona jabona kore koto ghyan ghyan... tao ei meyetai ticket kete rakhlo amar jonnyo. acted along when i told her kauke na boltey amio jacchi. amae bcc kore mail pathano, innovative thread shuru kora trip ta niye... gotobaar eli jokhon tokhun dekha hoyni tor sathey, ebarer dekha tai jeno howar chilo. three and more than three cheers to her. amader modhye nazrul giti (shhe nazrul jotoi jali kobi hok na keno) shudhu ishitai gaitey parey :) gota chail er rastae matiye rekhechilo ei meye. 

tilak

camera ta haralam jokhon, it was he who said lets retrace our steps back to find out if we can get it back. uttiya, malini, tilak ar ami shei kasauli market place theke hotel porjonto almost chuttey chuttey firey gechilam. tar por theke ei chele amar hatehy camera diye rakhto - "ne tui tol"

uttiya

kotha hariye felbo ebar. janu keno boli?... shudhu or cell e amar naam "oyndrila jnu" save kora achey tai jonno na. erom nipat matir manush aj kal pawa jaena. he was there when nobody else was. bedi tey boshey amader gaan er adda, amar bhishon depressed shomoy pashe eshe darano, eksathey gangar dikey takiye cheye thaka nishpolokey, bhul korar jonno or bokaboki, "aj jyotsna raatey shobai geche bon e" theke "meine tere liye hei saat rang k sapne chuney". du botol budweiser kheye uttiya shedin shondhyay duttor rannaghor er korai bajiye gelo. ki oshombhob energy chilo shedin tor uttiya... aar ki fatafati enthu diye shobar gaan er sathey tui bajiyei geli... karur tor  moton guts nei bishwash kor. keu dare nito na :) keu megher koley railing e helan diye dariye abritti kortey partona, Janu...

malini

chele gulo amader ghorei eshe hangama korto. na na i take back that sentance. amra shobai amader ghor tae utpaat kortam shondhey belae. ora choley gele, shundor korey abar poripat ikore guchiye niye ghum ditam raatey. prothom din chail e raat e showar shomoy malini k bollam - tui keno college e amar sathey kotha bolti na? malini instantly reply diyechilo - tuio to konodin bolish ni. roj ghumatey jawar shomoy ekbar kore chokh bondho korar age jodi fishfishiye bole uthi - malini, goodnight... rege jash na. tokey bhishon miss kori. miss kori tor duttor sathey glass er sathey hathey cheers mara, miss kori tor dumb charade e rhyme kore point pawa, miss kori tor golae old english songs like Diamonds and Rust, miss kori tor oi choshma ta... tor money thakar kotha noy. tor ink pen ta diye, eka eka dutto'r khatey shuye ami prothom chithi likhi ritwik ke... tui bolechili, "kali shesh hoye jete parey oyndrila." but miracles happen. kali shedin shesh hoyni re :) amae ekta point to de ebaar!

dutto

chivalrous naki o noy. he walked me back to my hostel when i was unwell. accha define chivalry. ar shedin er koekta kotha ami konodin bhulbona. tor money achey kina janina. but tui shedin amae eto encourage korechili... money achey, dutto ki bolechili? you said i had the guts to come out with it in the open and stand by my decision. money achey?

ishita

already mohila lege porechen december er berano ta ayojon kortey. ebar kintu amra shobbai help korbo, aar orokom hut haat janala diye paliye gele hobena kintu ;)

ritwik

hothat kono boishak er, dur-pahari alo

raat er por raat boltey tumi, ei to achi bhalo

hothat je ki hoye gelo, naki hothat ta thik noy

tumi bodhoy ashtei tai, tara rao kotha koy...

its all sad moist brown little earth. its all about coming in and going out, with passing through in between. same old grey forgettable days in the middle , and a few bright orange fleeting moments. how i hated this line as your signature in your emails. money hoto kikorey etar essence ta k destroy kora jae... ritwik the rationalist. tomae besh lagey.

oyndrila

boddo beshi involved hoye pore.

not so much

far across that continent

where the plates move

and the earth is bent

i will swoop across the sky today

i will gather speed and fly...

where clouds will part

and the sea, sings her songs

of swirling foam, where

my heart belongs...

of vivid iridescent hues of dusk

and you, my love by me...

where simply by the flowing water and sand

we're free to build our ethereal castles and

at that moment when the lights go low

and the breeze would blush to speak you know

a thousand other thoughts i would give a miss

for your warm arms around me..

for your kiss.

~

b